Ladies and gentlemen, I have bad news.
Carlo is dead. Nearly. Si Carlo’y malapit nang mamatay. At last, the endless charges of brainlessness spewed at him by his opponents have come true, for in an effort to simultaneously review for both his Private Pilot License examinations and a test on James Joyce’s Ulysses, Carlo’s brain suffered from a catastrophic resonance cascade failure. Even now, he wanders the windowless confines of his apartment, convinced that the answer to the question of life, the universe, and everything may be found in the mad ravings of literary theory and Italian cuisine. When questioned about it, he revealed an unshakeable belief that he was not only an incarnate lama, but also a licensed student pilot. As evidence, he submitted his new miraculous talent for cooking. Worries that Carlo would
a) starve when he started living on his own or
b) burn down a sizable percentage of the city
fled before the aroma of the food, food so impossibly tasty that we can only assume that he has indeed been possessed by an entity that has completely overwhelmed his increasingly deranged mind.
Clearly, these mad ravings point to only one conclusion. Carlo is brain-dead. Or possessed. Either way, the result is the same.
As a result, I will be taking over Carlo’s place on this blog. And Tonet’s place too, as the elder pilot is now racked with grief over the collapse of his younger partner’s stupendous intellect and cannot be counted on to write coherently (assuming this was ever the case). When interviewed, he expressed regret at some of the things he said to his co-pilot, and claimed that he may have pushed him to the brink. “It was all this talk about pilots being gods,” he says, “I told him we pilots were gods, and now he believes he’s a lama! I simply can’t bear to talk about it.” We could not get further comments from him, as he was rushing to Olympus to speak with his colleague Zeus about a plan to use a combination of lightning and IFR weather to “permanently solve our issues with the ATO.”
Rumors that Carlo’s brain may have been damaged due to a previous alien abduction persist, notably due to the influence of conspiracy theorist Dr. Weis G. Uy. We enclose here a news article from the a local newspaper published at the time of his disappearance.
Carlo of 4-A, the president of the Hilites Newswall and Publications cluster head, vanished several days ago around afternoon. He disappeared in a flash of purple-blue light after being hit by a black SUV in the Ateneo High School parking lot.
Some say he is dead. I was able, however, to get a statement from a certain Dr. Weis G. Uy concerning this. Dr. Uy said:
“I believe that Carlo is not dead. As I’m sure you are aware, he is a native from the planet Saturn. I have spent years of research to discover that Saturnians actually cannot be killed by black SUVs. Around a year ago, I was driving my black SUV around rather haphazardly and I hit someone. I went down to check on him, and he immediately jumped up and punched me on the nose. I drove him to a hospital, where he was found to be in perfect health. He then told me he was a Saturnian, and that he could not be killed by black SUVs. I told him maybe he was fuzzy in the head. He punched me on the nose again.”
I am aware myself of basic Saturnian technology, and it is my belief that the instant before the black SUV hit him, Carlo panicked and activated his personal molecular-transportation device (see: personal teleporter). It is as yet unclear why Carlo has not rematerialized as he should. It is possible that there was a malfunction with his personal teleporter, and that he is now floating randomly in the ether. He may have also been zapped directly back to Saturn. But these are only theories
I therefore warn everyone that there is a large possibility that Carlo is still around. Doubtless, he will continue to check on the progress of the school. I solemnly warn all future leaders of the Hilites Newswall and Publications cluster: Carlo LIVES. And he is watching you.
Those who do not believe the rumors insist that it is Dr. Uy whose brain is damaged. More news as events occur.